People-Pleasing
Tell me if this sounds familiar…
A friend asks you where you’d like to go to dinner. “Wherever you want,” you say. And then you wonder why you never express your opinions.
Your boss asks you to work late because your colleague called in sick. “No problem,” you hear yourself saying, even though it means canceling some plans. You work late and wonder why everyone else feels comfortable calling in sick but you.
You don’t love how your partner sometimes talks to you, but it seems easier to let it slide than to confront it.
Come to think of it… you pretty much avoid conflict at all costs.
People-pleasing is not a weakness.
You are not weak for people-pleasing. I’ll give you three reasons why:
First, you didn’t consciously choose to be people-pleasers.
Second, people-pleasing likely saved you from danger at some point in your life.
Finally, even though you’d like to dial it back, you can’t deny that people-pleasing has some advantages – like teaching you to read people VERY WELL.
But why do you people-please in the first place?
Chances are, it’s the result of trauma.
Can you think of anyone in your life, perhaps early on, who got a little angry (or worse) when they were challenged or things didn’t go their way?
What about a parent or guardian who snapped at you when you expressed yourself in certain ways, even if it didn’t have anything to do with them?
If so, these things might not seem like a big deal now for your adult brain. But think of it from a child’s perspective. You realize that people-pleasing is an ingenious survival strategy!
Consider this: If we’re threatened by someone we can’t fight or get away from (like a parent), one of the only options available is to placate the threatening person. So, we submit to their will, let them have their way, praise them, or do whatever it takes to avoid dangerous conflict.
If you avoid conflict at all costs, this might be why you developed people-pleasing patterns.
Therapy or coaching can help you break the pattern.
We’ll start by looking at how people-pleasing and conflict avoidance affect you. In what situations do they occur? What does it feel like in your body when it happens? When you become fearlessly familiar with how it makes you feel and when it happens, you can act before the people-pleasing impulse is initiated.
Diving into this might feel queasy, icky, vulnerable, or dangerous. But we’ll take courage from the fact that the stakes are too high not to dive in. After all, every day you people-please is a day you sacrifice your authentic self (yet again).
When you see it coming and can sit with the urgent queasiness without giving in, you can entertain different ideas for dealing with it.
That’s when the magic happens!
“Magic” may seem like a strong word, but…
I’ve seen my clients get the results they were looking for countless times.
When you resist the urge to people-please for the first, second, and third time, you can’t help but feel empowerment bordering on invincibility.
You feel worthy, strong, and self-confident… because you can FINALLY stand up for yourself!
I would love to meet you and get started. Reach out today to schedule your free consultation.